Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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