Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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