I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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