Sry I called you an 8
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
