I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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