from now on my penis is your penis
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This is my gift to your gina
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
