my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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