I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
