if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
