I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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