Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
