I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
