So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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