Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
