Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
