if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You ruined the universe
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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