Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
