you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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