watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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