Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
