I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
