I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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