she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
