We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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