i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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