You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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