when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
