your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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