Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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