apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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