One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
