a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize