Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
