I think i peed on brittanys purse
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
