and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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