Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
