is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize