I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
