cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
