One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm really busy with my period
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