I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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