i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
