Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
