The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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