I just threw up on my dentist
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
