life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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