He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
they're like a gay fantastic four
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm both gender and math confused
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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