I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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