I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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