Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
