Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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