I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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