Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Randomize
