Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
