i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
