ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
